I would have said it

I stood on the verandah
Watching her back out of the driveway
No more paper kisses or rainbow hearts
Scattered rose petals in the bathwater
Where soapy fingers made me say ‘I love you’
Between chocolate-coated kisses
I should have known when she couldn’t say it
When all she could do was murmur into my neck
But I gave her all the space she needed
It wasn’t my fault the blankets ended up on my side
I just wanted to feel her body against me
That was the only time I felt whole
When I stood under the stars thinking
That sometimes I need to be alone
I didn’t mean to snap at her
When she removed my paintings
They didn’t mean anything anyway, I said
But I never said I didn’t like her loud friends
I told her I wasn’t the jealous type
But she flirted with that girl anyway
Just to see what I would do
With those almonds eyes watching
Her hand slide between those thin thighs
When all I could feel was ugly
I said I didn’t care to myself
As I lit a cigarette in the backyard
Because I knew she hated smoking
And I turned my back that night
When she tried to say she was sorry
With velvet circles against my hip
Until I caved in with her fingers
Jammed between my parted legs
Forgetting that I was meant to be angry
And I said ‘I love you’ again
And she went still against my back
And I choked back the tears
When I told her she should move out
Because I never thought she would
I just wanted her to say it
And I never meant to scream at her
And breaking her pottery was an accident
And I really meant to call when I was late
But I knew it was already too late by then
When I found her bags packed in the hallway
And her note left on the dresser
‘I would have said it, if you’d given me more time.’

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