i believe every feeling

i believe every feeling
torturing myself
take a pill
cheer up
be energetic
i hate when people say that
i’m not gay, when clearly
they don’t know who I’ve fucked
i just cover myself with ― nothing
that reminds me of my body
because I just feel stupid
and the lies stack on top of each other
in moments of panic
like when she kissed me on the lips


to mend what has been torn

to mend what has been torn
there are two forces in my mind
one has me on my knees
begging forgiveness
the other doesn’t remember
the way she left me
like life itself
slowly pulling me apart

someone has her eye on me

someone has her eye on me
I dance, have fun, try to pretend
I can’t see her watching me
in my perfect world

she is there, watching me
in the corridor
when I look at her
once — twice
at her shoulders, wet eyelashes

she can see my deepest thoughts
desire, her hands in my back pockets
we meet at the back of the school

I wash my face, my hands
but I can still smell her, taste her
lips against my mouth

she tells me I’m too shy
but I don’t care
when we die together

in my head the song is never over

she had crazy hair and read comics
no wonder we fell in love
lonely girls don’t make trouble
they recite poems like they are living
extra kisses at the end of her texts
and she laughs like the morning sun
gentle hands of milk and honey
eyes closed she calls my name
in my head the song is never over

now she needs another dance

colour of the human spirit
woman sparkles in the night
when she wants to
gives her heart to the past
how love changed everything
moved the world
now she needs another dance
not swallow his shit

happiness is fleeting

happiness is fleeting
so are quiet reflective moments
when that thing inside me kicks
I no longer feel in control
of my body or my life
but I say nothing
just smile vacantly
I can’t locate the sensation
a dull ache somewhere
in the pit of my stomach
I stare at it
wishing I could see
what is inside my body
all I want is to be held
the way we used to dance
before the doubt, uncertainty

truth—I knew she lied

truth—I knew she lied
an answer that was not an answer
no matter how many times we lay together
when it’s not love but a need
to feel another’s skin against my own
to tremble when I realised she lied
despite how close her lips were to mine
I told her I won’t leave—until I have her answer
she rolled over in bed—toward the open window
I wonder if she thinks about flying away like I do
answer me, I say—answer me, answer me, answer me

Hopelessly wanting

time to move on                            low-cut cotton blouse
sun-tan breasts                          boyfriends and sex
warm summer nights           backseat virginity
haunts my dreams             until morning comes
for something to do         somebody to remember
when we promised       to love forever
just like a movie        hopelessy wanting


A knight’s secret

You can hear a live performance of this poem by Ain’t Life on Youtube by clicking here. The performance was part of a poetry night at Smith’s Alternative Bookshop.

Once I was a brave knight,
Deeply in love,
Wrapped in the arms
Of my princess,
Safe in my armour.
With her warm body
By my side
I was able to face any foe,
Drawing strength from her strength
Drawing strength from her love,
Fight battles,
Reaching the height,
Savouring victory,
Immortality, ecstasy
Within my graps.

The she began
To fade away.
Little by little,
Her arms grew cold,
Her body grew hard,
Her eyes grew dim,
No longer safe,
No longer strong,
Losing battles
Against the demons,
Staring into the abyss,
Until vanquished,
Retreating in shame,
Hiding my face,
Tired and weary.

I tried to fight on,
Using another’s sword,
But the brief battles
Left me hollow,
Feeling empty,
Feeling lost,
Feeling alone.
As my breath
Caught in my throat
I faced the end.

Then piece by piece
I rebuilt my armour,
Steel so thick
No arrow could pierce,
No sword could thrust,
No hand could touch,
No lips could kiss,
And once again
I could walk
On the battlefield,
Standing tall,
Appearing invincible,
Yielding to no one,
Keeping my secret
That the armour
Holds an empty soul.

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